Tuesday, March 19, 2013

At the gym: Guys, don't be creepy

Back to the gym...again. This time I mean it.

So if you follow my blog you know I've been spending a lot of time at the doctor lately. That means getting on the scale. Not fun. Especially if you've gained some weight, like me. I've been saying, "I'm going to start eating right again and going to the gym on Monday." and then "No, I meant next Monday." Well, I  started my diet yesterday and due to another doctor's appointment I didn't make it. However, I did go this morning. I'll try to spare you all the details.

The gym was packed! I was prepared this time. I made sure that I put on underwear that actually fit! If you read http://split3ways.blogspot.com/2012/10/public-service-announcement.html you know what I mean. It was a total sausage fest when I first got there. It hadn't been like this before, mostly senior citizens and a good mix of men and women.

I'm just minding my business, doing a few back extensions. On a machine like this:

This is the starting position. As I'm fully extended I hear a whisper coming from behind me, "That's nice, mmmm hummm." I think did I just hear that, for real?! Surely not. I continue working out. I go to another machine and then back to the the back extension machine. Again, the guy walks behind me and more audibly says, "That's nice." After I'm finished with the machines, I go to the far corner of the gym and get on an elliptical machine. Where this guy continues to stare at me. As I go to get my keys to leave, he decides to take a bathroom break so that we almost run into each other.

Guys: Women do not find this flattering. We find it weird and creepy. The only thing it does for us, is consider getting an escort to our car.

Ok, maybe if he were much taller and hot it would have been a tiny bit flattering, maybe.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Kegels....another overshare moment.

I haven't been feeling well for about a month. I've had a pain in my left side and have been running a fever. It's not a bad pain, just enough to notice. I really didn't think much about the pain. Then, my family got the flu. ChaChi got it first and passed it on to me. Then Ansley had it and Ryan had something. We all got the Tamiflu and everyone was feeling better except me. I didn't feel as bad but I still didn't have any energy and continued to run a fever around 100. I went to the doctor and they took blood and urine. To keep this as short as possible, they found stuff in each and sent me home with antibiotics and steroids. After two weeks I wasn't much better and my white blood count was worse than before. I got more antibiotics and had and ultrasound and a CT scan. Both of which came back normal.

Today was my appointment with the urologist. They did a different ultrasound and then said as a precautionary measure they would like to scope my bladder. Ok, I wasn't prepared for this, to say the least. I have been for all these tests and scans and haven't had to take my pants off. I really just thought I was going to give another urine sample and talk about the test results.

I can't remember the last time I've shaved my legs! I mean it's winter. Ain't nobody got time for that. So they take me back to the room and tell me to disrobe and cover with a paper sheet. Then a girl comes in and asks me to put my feet in the stirrups and disinfects my lady parts. How weird is this? I'm like we just met, could we at least talk about the weather for a moment. Could I at least get your name or tell you my favorite color. Then the doctor opens the door and comes into the room. I think, "Well, hello did everyone in the hall see my poontang?" They numbed me, ran the scope and filled my bladder. So I'm laying there looking at my bladder and I ask if they do bladder slings. I figure I've payed my copay I need to find all I can. He says, "Why, do you leak?" I say, "Yeah, sometimes." This was a mistake. After he got finished with the scope he places his head uncomfortably close to my not so private anymore region and asks me to cough. I do and he says it looks fine to him. Then he asks me to stand up and cough again. Lord, have mercy. Is there no shame?! I stand up and he kneels down in front of me and I cough again. He tells me everything looks good and that my bladder has fallen a little but nothing to be concerned about. What? My bladder has fallen and it can't get up! I feel like I should be concerned.

So I'm standing there with my bladder so full I thought it may burst. I have the "sheet" wadded up and placed between my legs. He then asks me if I know what kegels are. I tell him yes and he continues to explain to me all about  kegels. Please try to picture this: he's looking at me very intense and he takes his hand and makes a fist and tightens and relaxes it several times. Showing me this is how to do them. He says do about ten quick ones and other times squeeze and hold. Then he looks me in my eyes and says, "See, just like that. I'm doing mine right now." It was all I could do to hold in my laughter and my urine. He says to do them in the car while I'm sitting at red lights or when I'm talking on the phone. Then he gives me these little blue stickers to put on my rear view mirror and on my phone or just anywhere as a reminder to do my kegels. Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. Do your kegels on the phone. Do your kegels on the way home. Do your kegels on the pot. Do your kegels, you'll like it a lot.

After all of these appointments, tests, loss of dignity and prescriptions he says it was all probably just a bladder infection. I'm just happy to be feeling better! Well gotta run...there are kegels to be done.